Something happened after Iza was conceived, and I stopped reaching out. Instead, I started to focus inward and reengage with the parts of myself which had been lost. In someways, this was a self-protection and also self-reflection on my life to date. It was simply my body and minds way of preparing for parenthood.
I used to do a lot without thinking and would be very reactive to get something off my daily list, instead of really engaging with the experience of what I was doing. I had endless expanses of time and limited accountability for what I needed to be doing and when, but I always felt rushed and didn’t have any time to consider and think things through. I was a procrastinator and also very reactive to the moment instead of the future.
What I have found in my newfound parenthood is my ability to really capture and wander in those rare moments of precious time. The lists are still there, but they are now rolling instead of daily, and my time is constantly expanding as a result. The lack of activity in the evening or morning hours, an eery quiet from the balance of the busy daytime hours is my favorite moment to snag a chance for wandering and this is time I plan for and give myself to just enjoy.
Something had to give in the midst of all this change and evolution and as a result I have stopped really reaching out. My wonderful friends from College and London recently united in DC and called me on St. Patty’s Day and I got a fabulously fun and energetic phone message from the two of them partying it up together. I smiled from ear to ear, but then felt a little sad. I miss the old me some days – the energetic sparkler of personality and zest…. the absolute opposite of a nester. But then I force myself to remember that right now in this moment I am giving myself permission to figure out how to be both the sparkler and the nester. It takes time to perfect and I need to be true to giving time to each stage.
A balance of life ultimately. Right now I am searching for my inner-balance to be true to each moment. After I will get to apply that to the outside world. It is all evolution.