Something happened after Iza was conceived, and I stopped reaching out. Instead, I started to focus inward and reengage with the parts of myself which had been lost. In some ways, this was self-protection and also self-reflection on my life to date. It was simply my body and minds way of preparing for parenthood.
I used to do a lot without thinking and would be very reactive to get something off my daily list, instead of really engaging with the experience of what I was doing. I had endless expanses of time and limited accountability for what I needed to be doing and when, but I always felt rushed and didn’t have any time to consider and think things through. I was a procrastinator and also very reactive to the moment instead of the future.
What I have found in my newfound parenthood is my ability to really capture and wander in those rare moments of precious time. The lists are still there, but they are now rolling instead of daily, and my time is constantly expanding as a result. The lack of activity in the evening or morning hours, an eery quiet from the balance of the busy daytime hours is my favorite moment to snag a chance for wandering and this is the time I plan for and give myself to just enjoy.
Something had to give in the midst of all this change and evolution and as a result, I have stopped really reaching out. My wonderful friends from College and London recently united in DC and called me on St. Patty’s Day and me, got a fabulously fun and energetic phone message from the two of them partying it up together. I smiled from ear to ear, but then felt a little sad. I miss the old me some days – the energetic sparkler of personality and zest…. the absolute opposite of a nester. But then I force myself to remember that right now at this moment I am giving myself permission to figure out how to be both the sparkler and the nester. It takes time to perfect and I need to be true to giving time to each stage.
A balance of life ultimately. Right now I am searching for my inner-balance to be true to each moment. After I will get to apply that to the outside world. It is all evolution.
Its just after midnight and we are going on our second crying fit the current one lasting already nearly an hour already. I can’t sleep, I can’t breathe. I feel for my beba and I want nothing more than to scoop her up in my arms and let her know it will all be okay and that Mama’s here.
Sleep training is not something we ever wanted to do, but here we are at almost 13 months and none of us has slept through the night since birth (for me maybe since I was 7 months pregnant), Iza included. It is driving Kurt and I emotionally apart in some ways since we physically have no interaction and we are over taxed, exhausted and never have time to be together. Iza also really needs her sleep. For weeks she has been the crabbiest from wake up to morning nap time and then again from about 6pm on to bed time. She has started to sleep less and less throughout the day hours and the dark circles under her eyes have begun to deepen.
We have to try something new.
As mothers we are wired to hear our beba’s distinct noise from a crowded room of crying little ones. Our leche comes in and when we do not use our given assets to comfort the little ones we begin to ache something fierce. The reality is that life has evolved to a point where we all need enough rest to get through a relatively busy existence.
My step-sister breastfed and co-slept and her method worked for both her girls by establishing a routine and then her husband getting up to rock the girls to sleep in the middle of the night. It helped to still show comfort, but to remove the breast from the equation. My friend’s little girl was placed in her crib from day 1 and slept through the night, establishing the routine from the get go. There was no question in her beba’s mind that her comfort zone was the crib. She didn’t breastfeed which made this possible from the beginning, but the principle still works for breastfed children if they are placed back in the crib after a feeding.
Iza eats enough to sleep through the night, but she is still feeding at least 1 if not 2 times a night. We have been moving around a lot, so our assumption was she needed the comfort and the stability of on demand feeding, but clearly it is not working for any of us. We question if it is now too late to change without permanent psychological damage. Yikes.
I feel a little crazy from the noise. Now we are going on an hour and a half and I still hear no end in sight. So I sit here in the dark, and eat chocolate and try to zone out and concentrate only to the waves while writing.
Una noche completa. (1 night complete)
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